Well, the day has come. I have lost my disability status.
When I started my job last September, my understanding was that I had a 9 month trial period before they would consider whether or not to take away my disability.
Well, I was sorely mistaken. My trial period actually started in 1998! They tracked every little job, even before my first transplant. Needless to say, I am way past my 9 months.
And guess what? They want me to pay them back all the money they gave me this year! That's got to be a joke, right? No. It's not. And, if it were a joke, it would be a very un-funny one.
On top of that, my last day at work is next Friday. Money was going to be tight around here while I tried to make a career out of my public speaking but now...tight sounds like a luxury.
So, I have a big dilemma. I can apply to be reinstated and hopefully avoid having to pay back the thousands and thousands of dollars.
I can also have the peace of mind knowing that I will be able to eat and drive my car from A to B.
What I won't be able to do is make one red penny. If I do, those benefits are gone immediately.
I stand on the edge of my future. I have no idea if I will be able to make this book and this voice into a successful livelihood. There is no way to know unless I do it.
Do I take the money and settle for nothingness? Do I give up the money and face possible failure and poverty?
What happens if I become a mediocre success? I may not need that monthly check but I will need my Medicare! Unless I become a millionaire and can buy my own insurance, I can not lose that coverage. God willing, when the time comes for them to take my Medicare away, I will either be rich, dead or sick enough to reapply for disability. What options!
My instincts are telling me to have faith and let go of the safety net. I haven't made up my mind yet but that's how I'm leaning.
It's all very scary.