The last few days have been, in a way, monumental. I submitted my final manuscript for printing and now have the freedom of no job. I have been anxiously anticipating this day for months.
Why, then, have I been so blaaah? People have been asking how I feel about the book and my response has been less than enthusiastic. I can hear the confusion and disappointment in their voice. I'm confused too. Shouldn't I be over the moon?
It dawned on me that what's bothering me has to do with potential vs. reality. When I was writing the book I was excited by its potential. Now, off in cyberspace waiting to print, it is a reality. It's done. Over. Nothing else to tweak. The creative rush is gone and all I'm left with is the angst of "Is this thing any good?"
The same goes for quitting my job. I couldn't wait for my last day and now...well, I have a lot of work to do and it's all on me. I've gotta figure this thing out so I can make some money! The stakes are higher without any money coming in from the government and, quite frankly, it's scary! I'm not fantasizing about all the things I will do when I have the time--now I have to do them! Reality is setting in and its kinda heavy.
I don't mean to be a whiny baby. I know there are many many people out there who would like this kind of opportunity! I am grateful. I promise.
I'm also just a bit thrown by my own feelings. Like nearly every big event in my life, it isn't what I expected.
I think I'll feel better once I get in the groove. It's just all very new right now.