Monday, September 3, 2007

Anybody have any DEET?

Well, while the rest of the country was out eating BBQ and wearing white for the last time, I was diligently laboring (get it? labor day) to finish my book. I have set the deadline for tomorrow and it looks like I'll make it.

I can barely see straight right now so I don't have much to say about being excited, etc.

The self publishing thing is turning out to be a little more complicated than I thought. It's also a bit scary because I am responsible for properly formating the text. If I made a mistake, there's no one who will fix it. If there's a significant mistake, like a page break missing or something, my hard work will turn out looking goofy and unprofessional.

I still think I've made the best choice in self-publishing but it is a little intimidating to have so much responsibility in how the final product turns out.

I've pretty much gotten over my freak out/inferiority complex about Crazy Sexy Cancer. I think there's room for the both of us. Plus, my mission is more public speaking and hers seems more closely tied to her movie. She's awesome and I'm awesome in a different way.

That said, I am in a major doubt cycle. I go through these all the time, this is nothing new. I have come to understand and accept that I go through periods in which I think my work is boring, trite, poorly written...well, really the list could go on and on.

Usually this happens before I give a big talk so I guess it makes sense that I would be going through it the night before I send out my first book to be printed. All I know to do is keep walking forward and get the job done, despite all those circling doubts above my head. They really are like loud mosquitoes in my ear! Anybody have any DEET?

Is this kind of doubt something most of us experience when we're being creative or do I just have serious self-esteem issues?

If you have any tips on how to deal with the doubt mosquitoes, please share!!


Anonymous said...

There is no point in your fear; just EMPOWER yourself and it will dissipate.

Laurie said...

I can totally relate. I think every writer can--just when you think you've hit the right chord, all of a sudden you wonder if you're even on the right track. I had those same feelings when I sent my book to an agent, and then when the agent sent my stuff out to publishers.

I remember the night before my first personal essay appeared in a major magazine. I had been so excited during the whole process and couldn't wait to see it. And then the night before, I was hit with doubt and fear. I was opening myself up to hundreds of thousands of people. What if everything came across wrong? What if I inspired negative letters to the editor?

That's the ganble you take when you write. But the pay-off is worth all the fears. Just push through it--easier said than done, I know.

evans036 said...

it might be that very low lows result from from very high highs. by that i mean we all tend to balance our outlook on life and what goes up, must come down.

in my life i deliberately defeat very high highs by thinking about what might go wrong. this brings me to a more centered perspective. i wonder if that 'protects' me from very low lows?

Jill Mertens said...

As an inspiring "sick girl" once wrote about her feelings before she went into surgery for her second life- saving double lung transplant "just because you are afraid does not mean what you are doing is wrong!!!"

I have experienced nerves lots of times- usually when something is really important to me. At that point, I take a "gut check" to be sure that I am doing the right thing (and- for what it is worth, I KNOW that you are doing the right thing). With that presence of mind, I then "lean into the pain" and go for it!