Thursday, December 13, 2007

Brain Dead Before New Year's

This is the longest I've gone in between blogs! Ack!
I just feel brain dead, I'm sorry.

I've been fighting some silly cold which makes me sleepy which makes me groggy which makes me fuzzy which makes me feel too stupid to blog!!

Here's what I've been thinking about:
the abstract nature of illness and dying.

I signed up for a grant next year--yay!!!! But when it was time to talk about the particulars--what the year would look like--I felt GULP! A year? Can I commit to a year? Is that okay?

Most of the time, I go through life with a distance from death. Knowing it's coming but happy to think about it when it comes a'knockin' again...not now, thanks.
But, here I am talking about a year into the future! Yeesh. That seems like forever in transplant years. Then I get paranoid. If I think like this am I inviting another illness?

I still feel, even after all I've done in 2007, like I am standing on the edge of my life. Ready to jump off and fly but waiting for someone to stop me and say "Are you kidding? You can't do that! You're dying again..didn't you know?"

Okay. This must be why I haven't written in awhile. A lot going on inside that I haven't processed yet.

The new year has always been a big catalyst for me to think about where I am and where I'm going. It seems the new year thoughts have come before Christmas this year.

I love you guys.
Thanks for all your blogging kindness.

I sincerely wish you all the best in 2008.
Happiness and health.


Femail doc said...

Shoot Tiff, all I'm thinking about is the tedious nature of preparing for the holidays. Gaining a little perspective here, and grateful too for knowing you.

All success on your new endeavors in the coming year!

Garry said...

Hey, Tiff!

When my daughter Bethany was born, some of the best doctors in the country said that she had very little chance to survive (one doctor said 1 in 100). That led to a real crisis for Mary Ann and me. We were spending hours each day beside the isolette of a beautiful little girl with whom we had already fallen in love and who was very much alive. But as darkness descended each evening and we readied to leave the hospital, a different darkness descended--a fear that we might never see her alive again.

Which was she? Dead or alive? In one sense, it felt like she was both. But the human psyche can only deal with so much uncertainty. She couldn't be both and us achieve any degree of emotional stability.

We finally decided that while she was with us, she was alive, and that we had to focus on that. If that changed and she left us, we would deal with it then. It is not that we were denial--we knew how sick she was. But we only had so much emotional energy. For the moment, we had a lifetime of love to give to that child, and we did not want to miss one single second.

Bethany is now 23 years old. And still to this day, we try never to lose the opportunity to let her know how much we love her, and how happy and proud we are to have her in our life today. Today is all we have. And today is enough.

Blessings on you during this wonderful season, my wonderful friend.


Midlife Midwife said...

Hi Tiff,
None of us know what the next year will bring. But I know that my past year has been better just because you were a part of it. Thanks for once again making me rethink my attitude today.