I’ve been working very hard to accept my fate, no matter which way the wind blows. I have found a place of equilibrium and I am happy with my options; life or death. (I guess I have stopped thinking of it as death, really…it’s more a graduation.) I have exerted plenty of time and energy into anticipating and preparing for both scenarios equally. It has taken a few months, but I have achieved my goal and feel proud of it.
Tonight, however, I had a moment of clarity and confession (not the Catholic kind!). I was taking another long bath. That is where I do some of my best thinking and praying. I said to God, “God, I know I don’t really get much of a vote on this living or dying thing. I know that it is in your hands if I stay or if I go. For what it’s worth however, if I did have a vote, I would like to stay. I would like to take all of the things I have learned, all of the growing I have done, and use it to serve you. It seems a shame to me that I could have gained so much insight in the last few months only to die without being able to share it with anyone. So God, if I do get a vote, I’d like to stay.”
That was the first time in awhile that I have allowed myself to choose a side. It felt good to admit what I really wanted. It felt scary to know that I actually do have a preference.
On March 28, 2004, roughly one week after this moment, I had my second transplant. Since then, I have always wondered if this “talk with God” had anything to do with it.