Friday, June 8, 2007

Worry

Journal from August 25, 2000

I woke up this morning with my lower back hurting and an aching down my legs. It’s been going on a few days now. Of course, I’m worried. What if I’m starting to go into kidney failure?

Later today, I noticed I was spontaneously sighing a lot. What does that mean? Is that a sign of rejection? Am I losing lung function?

Also, I am tired of being tired. Am I ever going to feel energetic? Will my life always be like walking through a swamp just to get from A to B? Is my fatigue normal? Is it all in my head? Is it something I could overcome if I pushed myself harder? Is there something wrong with me?

I am weary of the internal evaluation I am constantly doing regarding my body. I want to be free to think of other things. I want to live a life in which each tingle, twinge and pang is not a cause for concern and anxiety. What must it be like to have a body that functions without all of these warning bells? I hope some day I will find out…

1 comment:

OB Doctor said...

I have a hunch one day your writings will help many others with chronic diseases better cope with their illnesses.