Patterns of Illness

I have found that the patterns of illness are hard to break. Although I am mostly healthy now, I still react to my environment with many of the same thought patterns and emotional patterns of when I was very sick. When I see a flight of stairs, I still react with dread, despite the fact that they no longer pose as an obstacle to me. When I see a full schedule on my calendar, I react with fear and panic, convinced I will not have the strength and energy to get through the day. This is simply not true.

There are certainly patterns that have diminished over time. I no longer fear household chores like laundry. Somewhere along the way, my body and mind have recognized that this no longer poses a threat to my well-being. That is why it is still surprising for me when I have a strong reaction to things like stairs and my schedule.

I try and talk to myself in a reassuring tone that there is nothing to worry about anymore. That helps for a moment, but the emotions are so deep they resurface at the next turn.

It makes me sad that my body and mind have been through so much difficulty that I react to the world in such a fearful way. I pray that as the years pass with good health still in tact (God willing) that these patterns will continue to dissipate and I will find a deeper healing to the wounds that have caused such emotion.