1998-1999 Journal Entries
May 17, 1998
I must stop this madness of “proving” I have a life. I have one. It may be slower paced than some other life styles but that is how I function best. I can stop scrambling to fill the calendar as a way to prove something. I can relax.
May 25, 1998
Feeling really happy today. I pray for continued unveiling of my inner self who loves to laugh and take things as they come.
June 14, 1998
No energy. Not much hope. Feeling really gone. Lost. Hopeless. Helpless. I slept all day yesterday and can’t get out of bed today. I’m starting to accept that it is depression.
Went in the hospital about a month ago to treat what I thought was a lung infection. Turns out it was more sinuses than anything. While there, I discovered my infections are resistant to almost every drug. I also had my first bout with aspergillus fungus. I stopped taking the IV meds before they were done because the side effects were so bad. This started me thinking about how I didn’t know if I could live this way. This all just feels like too much.
To top it off, I have this nagging feeling that if I don’t “get better” and become my old perky self again, my boyfriend will lose interest and leave me. So, I’ve been fighting off my real feelings and trying and trying to be ok with things. When I’m not sleeping, I think about dying. I don’t know if I can be the happy-go-lucky person he seems to want. I feel like I’m falling apart and I don’t have the strength to deal with it. I just want to go to sleep.
January 6, 1999
Just had to quit my job because of being sick- feels like the powers that be are clearing my schedule for me. That’s fine. Luckily, this month money isn’t tight. At this point, I’m working on not looking into the distance but only ½ step ahead. My feet are always in view.
This entry was made shortly before I moved back across the country for my transplant
December 4, 1999
So many thoughts and feelings swarming in my head. For eight months now all I have done is thought and thought some more. Thought about the transplant, life after transplant and life in general. I have ridden an emotional roller coaster; from extreme joy and peace to struggling not to slip into the deep hole of depression at my feet. I have grown and changed immensely. I wonder with great interest how all this will effect me when I go back out into the “real world”.